Down with Pussy and up with Vagina: A Return to lingua

Recent studies suggest that the word “vagina” is in fact a linguistic anomaly, one that the human mouth is incapable of uttering. It seems both men and women alike are suffering from an inability to form the shapes and produce the sounds necessary to articulate this word.

Dr. Alfred Irvingson of Manna University reports that ” something occurs deep within the ‘vag’ and ‘ina,’ creating a vacuum.  The speaker is rendered silent and forced to search for a word the mouth can actually fit around. The result is similar to a stutter. Many find  the word ‘pussy’ has a more readily accessible feeling in the mouth.  This inability to say the word ‘vagina’ is both a physiological and psychological affliction. My colleagues and I are currently looking into it, deeply. We are researching available treatments in the hopes of bringing the majority of people up to speed with the proper latin vernacular.”

We went to the public to see how people were coping with this terrible loss of lingua. A local high school girl, said she’s never heard of the word “vagina.” When asked to read the word off a card, she looked at it and said, “is that in Canada?…I dunno how to pronounce that.” We then interviewed a housewife, who said in horror, “my mother used to say that word…I wasn’t quite sure if I could…it seemed to take a lot of willpower, and it always embarrassed me.” When asked if she knew what a “pussy” was she responded, “Oh yea! That’s what my husband calls my [expletive]”

It appears that until we find a cure for this devastating disorder, we will look to those in the medical profession to say the word for us. Studies have found that those with M.D’s have a preternatural ability to utter the word “vagina” without experiencing any sort of pain or psychological damage.