One lonely evening I found myself watching “Hercules” starring Kellan Lutz. The incredibly poor writing and acting prevented me from completing the entire movie but I did manage to live haiku the first 50 minutes. The following is the result.

Can a spray-on tan

Ever seem remotely like

A real complexion?

 

Why do they still make

CGI action movies

So unbelievable?

 

Kellan Lutz has

lips paler than the rest of

his skin and blonde hair

 

A killer pout is

is a decent asset but

it’s never enough

 

Different accents

make it unlikely any

one is ancient greek

 

Did the Egyptians

At Heliopolis wear

rodent shaped armour

 

Movies should only

Get a specific amount

Of slow-motion time

 

If you’re a starving

Slave, how do you retain such

Defined arms and pecs?

 

Do lovers see the

same moon at the same time in

different time zones?

 

In Sicily there

was a fight. Half-face and his

ugly friend will lose.

 

I called it. Half-face

is down, eaten by lions.

Humbaba is next.

 

Back to Greece I guess.

This plot could not be worse if

I wrote it myself.

 

Did you have to wear

white to attend the games? Was

dye not invented?

 

Did Hercules just

kill a man in a loincloth,

with a turkey leg?