Author: Gem

The Cover Letter

Having trouble writing an essay? Just stop. Attach this and all will be well.

“Dear Professor,
The things that I understood in this paper were few and far between because I may be slightly retarded. But as we are still looking into it, and results will not be conclusive until after this paper is due, I cannot be held accountable for any of the material. Case and point, I am retarded.
Moving on, I may or may not have farted in a jar and mailed it to your department. If it arrives please be cautious as it may cause fainting, seizures, irritable bowel syndrome, hemorrhoids, assburgers* and a cornucopia of STDs. Open near a window. Make sure all the women and children are covered in cheese cloth as this will act as a filtration system. Please be advised that if you would like another jar, I will be eating more green curry this evening and would be delighted to send some along.
All my best,
____________”

Hurray for Boobies!

Here at Memorandum In Tandem, we are offering the exclusive introduction of what promises to be the best event of the millennium. The IBC. For those of you unfamiliar or illiterate, that stands for the International Breast Convention. This year we expect to see breasts of all shapes, colors, density, weight, length, ethnicities and my favorite category, perkiness. Hosted in the heart of the Live Free or Die state, New Hampshire, the IBC is excited to open its arms to breasts everywhere.

We wanted to take this moment to thank the sponsors, IBC Root Beer for their support of such a revolutionary gathering of breasts.
Over the years, the IBConvention has been the subject of much controversy. In an effort to clear the air, we would like to state that the International Breast Convention does not discriminate on the basis of gender. It is not just a forum for women to expose and discuss their breasts- recent reports have shown a slight increase in appreciation of male breasts.
So make your way to The Granite State for some of the most magnificent mammary glands you will ever feast your eyes on.

Lydia Davis’ Guide to Life

I took a course called “Postmodern American Fiction”. After all was said and done, this was the only thing worth a damn.BORING FRIENDS

We know only four boring people. The rest of our friends we find very interesting. However, most of the friends we find interesting find us boring: the most interesting find us the most boring. The few who are somewhere in the middle, with whom there is reciprocal interest, we distrust: at any moment, we feel, they may become too interesting for us, or we too interesting for them.

~Lydia Davis